The inspiration behind this project came from a strange place--the place in conversations I'd had with my music major friends where there was a period of silence. This silence, I always wanted to fill with expressions of my own doubts, insecurities, worries of things I wasn't sure about. After we'd talk about our upcoming recitals, a part of me always wanted to say something like, "Well, I'm not really sure if I'll ever play my horn after my senior recital." But I never said this, because I never felt comfortable expressing doubts about being a music major. 

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I thought I was the only music major who felt this way. So many of my peers seemed so effortlessly comfortable with everything--their lessons, the workload, their upcoming recitals, the fact that the job market for musicians was so tiny. I didn't want to appear weak if I questioned anything at all about my choices to major in music, so I held my tongue and looked to my peers to see if I could emulate their confidence. 

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It wasn't until I was searching for a topic about which to write this capstone project, where the idea came to me. I think there's something to be said about the modicum of security I've felt since getting the Minor in Writing. I feel like I'm more marketable in the job market. I was talking to a friend about how I'm hoping to get a job that involves my love of writing after graduation. I mentioned that I didn't want to play the horn after graduation. She said that she sometimes felt that way too. 

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We had a nice conversation after that. We laughed at all the times we felt like we weren't able to complain or express doubt about anything in regards to music. We realized we weren't so alone.

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Thus, this project. It's a collection of all the uncomfortable, weird things that go along with being a music major. 

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It's a collection of funny stories, sad stories, and in-between stories. It's personal to me, but it also brought me so much closer to my peers who, to my surprise, had thoughts and worries similar to my own. 

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In my personal testimony “The Horn Player Who Wanted to Quit”, I wrote about wanting to run away from the music school. I wanted to high-tail it out of the School of Music, Theatre, and Dance because I was so afraid for my future. The only problem about this plan was, once I ran away, where would I go?

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What I was running towards, I didn’t know.

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I found hope in applying to the Minor in Writing in the spring of 2015. It was a warm, breezy day when I did my happy-dance on my dorm room floor at Bursley Hall, beaming at my acceptance letter to the program. Finally! I thought to myself. I can do something with my life that doesn’t revolve around my music major!

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I’ve always written about my music. Whether it be lists of etudes I need to master before my next lesson or blog posts about the audition process, music always seems to find its way into my words. Sometimes they’re serious, sometimes they’re funny--but I aim for them to always be authentic. I never want to sugar-coat anything about being a music major.

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I always carried around a little kernel of an idea--the idea that would become this very project. As I navigated the halls and social circles of the School of Music, Theatre, and Dance, I combatted anxiety towards my future. Nervous about whether or not I’d ever secure a full time job with a diploma reading “Bachelor’s of French Horn Performance”, I wondered if anyone else had questioned themselves or thought of quitting.

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It took me a long time before I was able to articulate just how weird the whole metamorphosis from music nerd to associate mortgage banker who also happens to know how to play the French horn really was. I knew that the only other way I could express myself besides music was with my writing, so I hoped to talk about my change-of-heart in this capstone project.

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I dabbled in a few different genres before settling on an old favorite (one which I’d studied with many mentors before). I’ve always loved reading creative nonfiction because of the genre’s honesty. So many authors have so many different perspectives on all different topics (I still dig through my old essay anthologies when I’m bored). I wanted to add my own honest take on something personal: the not-so-perfection-oriented musings of a music major.

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With the help of my mentor Michael Hinken, I further explored the genre of creative nonfiction. I was careful to add in dialogue and personal narratives--the stuff that makes the essay fun!-- but to also try to appeal to a larger audience: any college student who feels adrift in their major.

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I hope you enjoy reading my personal testimony as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it!